amor e t t e.net

stay

2011-05-05T00:55:00.000-04:00

despite it all i still believe we can fall in love
& stay in love

prove me right

please

<3 amorette

vanishing wallet

2011-01-24T19:32:00.003-05:00

sometimes reading email feels like a job.

watching through my netflix queue is certainly sometimes a chore.

turning my room upside down looking for a wallet i KNOW i left on my desk and had my work D in it (and who knows what else) that is clearly gone is definitely a pain in the ass. and. how could it be gone?

trying to eat an entire order of pad thai ... is impossible. and leaves me burping.

i love that it can be 5F outside and 90F (something like that) in my room. so i have the window wide open.

i wish i had a photographic memory. or at least a photo. (of those grins.) so i could pay attention and notice when it doesn't look the same.

a drummer moved in next door. and by next door i mean the building over. but it sounds like next door sometimes. but i think acoustic-midnight-singer below my bedroom is long gone. so i'll take it.

for the first time ever. i came into my building and the USPS man was outside in the truck, came in, and handed me a package, for me. impeccable. in a building with no doorbells we have to pick up our packages at the post office.

<3 amorette

american greetings

2011-01-13T00:20:00.004-05:00

how about a greeting card

"i'm glad we never hit it off, i've met someone better"

"i'm glad you were too busy for a second date, i met someone who cares enough to make the time"

"thank you for thinking only of yourself and doing nothing for me at all, i've found someone who tries"

"thank you for being there when i needed someone, but now we really are just regular friends"

old box of memories

2011-01-12T01:51:00.002-05:00

i've been glancing through the archives. they go 10 years back now. i used to think 17 was old, and i'd wasted so much time. and now i'm 27. i used to lament having no valentine year after year. and i probably didn't post about it the years i finally had one.

back when blogger began it was to post links to sites you had visited and discuss them. then it became a discussion of your day to day. snapshots of your life. then everyone had a blog. or maybe a livejournal or something similar. a script residing only on their own domain even. there was a time a lot of people read my blog. i had a lot of websites. i had rented a server. i had been a web reseller and designer. i spent a lot of time online. i spent hours and hours having 'friendships' with strangers. i mentioned their names here. or their screennames. or hinted at them. or they never snuck into my text. by now i've forgotten most of them. in fact recently one reconnected with me and i had no idea which ghost he had been, which story that had vanished.

and then i ran from that. there was a point at which i decided to not be such an "online" person. i think with the creation of facebook we could all use that. and we could 'manage' who could read our thoughts by choosing our 'friends.' we could 'microblog' and we didn't need these soliloquies in the dark. then of course twitter. which i don't use. and all these streams that repost whatever you say to various websites.

its not important in the end. its just talking to a collection of someones in the near-present. but you can't expect an answer. because its impersonal. its only meaningful to the author.

so i've been continuing for me. and probably one other lone reader out there. but we shall see. how it turns out.

just as we shall see if i have a valentine this year. and if i remember to post a smile.

~ amorette

flutter

2011-01-12T00:10:00.001-05:00

i try to swoon on the inside
but i think he still knows

end of 2010

2010-12-21T15:03:00.004-05:00

i feel like i'm back again. like its time. i'm a little under the weather. working on beating off cold #4 with a stick. (or bottles of juice vitamins and lozenges)

anyway my heart feels nearly full again. a little mended with scotch tape. but luckily not with scotch.

i do feel a little wobbly. like each fall makes me trust a little less.

speaking of falling, i've carried my bike into the apartment for the winter. the bruise from a couple weeks ago is finally yellow and fading. i feel less ugly. but only one person got to see it anyway. they must be special.

i'm hoping i'll find more luck in 2011. and work on myself and my hobbies. and making friends of the same gender (read: friends who won't break up with me).

i still don't feel this blog will get public, or publicized. but it will be here for those who know of it and for when i feel like sharing.

my 'hobbies' to work on for 2011 are...
-'event planning'
-volleyball & bowling skills
-making my wall hanging
-filling that canvas i bought months ago with color
-little watercolor paintings (animals? plants?)
-GRE & grad school application
-sailing and swimming classes
-hiking/getting out of the city groups/buddies
-planning trips (hawaii 2011, and smaller ones)

so if i have a new years resolution... its to find who i am. and this is what it seems to be each year. because i'm still not sure.

at the beginning of 2010 i thought i was the luckiest girl, i was very happy. and when you are happy you don't need to make plans, you don't need to think of how you fill the hours and how you will make your mark and get to your destination. then fall came. and my heart is always broken in fall. i was shocked and thrown for a loop. it physically hurt. i had a sore throat for 3 weeks. and then the colds one after the other followed. usually its one week in winter i get a cold, i'm used to it. i don't know what i did this year. i wore myself out. but even if its a small base, a tiny seed i'm finding, i'm feeling better and looking forward. but this time i think i should plan for myself. plan what i will do, regardless of who comes and goes in my life. because although i put people first in my requirements for happiness it seems that is not common and maybe some 'sensible' people have figured it out and all that sentimentality really is meant only for films and songs.

all these lyrics singing of people breaking up and getting back together... but that doesn't happen in real life. not as far as i've known. people break apart for a reason and cannot come back together. even if they aren't privy to the reason.

<3 amorette

tears

2010-08-19T00:14:00.003-04:00

the only thing worse than a broken heart
is a terminal illness

he chose to look for more options
now i have to be alone

how does one know if you are 'meant to be'
he says he knows we aren't

i didn't want my life to be a country album
but it seems the men i choose
are not meant to stay

but oh they love me
so they say

and then they walk away

...

i've never seen a man shed so many tears
for something he's giving up

and no words can make me understand his choice
and no anger will come to quench the sorrows thirst

just an ache inside every hollow
a hurt greater than i can articulate

every step i take alone
that i could have shared in love

filled with loss

and every silence you used to fill
and empty pillows missing you

your face in my last memory
is long with agony
your small almond eyes large and moist
as you look down on the pain you caused

and to writhe and moan
seems the only thing i'm fit to do

curled up and missing you

my greatest love
the happiest chapter
turned to the greatest pain

~ amorette

waiting

2010-04-30T10:39:00.002-04:00

i'm waiting for summer to be here. still wearing sweaters. wind was nearly blowing us over yesterday. its the day after the last day of classes here. its quiet. no one bothered to turn on the lights in the hallway. i'm holed in my office.

i can't remember my username for one of my hosting accounts. this is normal. i don't keep anything recorded anywhere anymore. i used to have a notebook of usernames and passwords. now relying on memory isn't working so well.

and now blogger is making me choose what to do with this whole *no ftp* deal. i suppose if i host it on blogspot that means not filling up the little space i get for free elsewhere. but it means a less streamline site. and simple is what i aim for.

especially when i never write.

i'd go back to paper. and posting photos of it. then we'd screw all this fancyness.

but jpegs take more space.

everything takes more space. u stub your toe more in less space. and i can fill every crevice with something. there's always something you have to have.

like a cookie jar that makes the jaws noise when you open it. how could you not buy that?

~amorette

what is the value of sentimental

2010-03-18T09:47:00.004-04:00

i find myself coveting a purse i saw at UO today. the first thing i thought when i saw it was oh its on sale for $30 then i realized it said $39 and noted the original price of $88. they've been doing a good job of putting the sale price over the original price so you don't know how much its really on sale. but that may be unique to one employee at one location. so what runs through my mind is: what can i get on ebay for $40? name brand? does UO even sell brands that won't fall apart in 30 days? it says leather, but is it nice suede or rat suede? then i thought i didn't want to carry it with me. or since i was probably going to my bfs i didn't want him to see i bought another thing i don't need. but its gray suede with gray leather kind of latticed on top. the gold colored rivets i can do without b/c they will scratch and fall off. and the base is square so i'm not sure i'm fond of that. and the hardware is a fake sort of antiqued brass look. and the strap is almost too long for shoulder and too short for cross-body. all this goes through my head. but i'm always looking for gray leather (it seems hard to find as i only have 1 clutch i got at wilsons leather years ago that's beat up but i love it because its light gray, its soft, yet shiny - in the unworn spots.) but then i know i have a gray suede and red patent bag and a huge gray patent bag. the first of which i've never worn because i'm afraid to wear it without protectant spray and because i'm afraid the spray will ruin the patina on the patent. the second of which is more like carry-on size so its a bit huge for everyday and because its patent its a little delicate to shove in a lock box or over head bin.

anyway i digress.

my last thought was if i left without it i can't really want it. and made myself not go back this morning.

so today i was thinking of indexing all of my items. kind of like what you'd do to get an insurance appraisal. to remind myself of all the things i'm hoarding that i should be using more often or getting rid of. handbags, shoes, coats, pants that i think will fit again one day, etc. but i have been trying to get rid of things they just aren't selling at the prices i'd like to have for them. or for some things any price at all. and with all the percents taken out for paypal, listing fees and selling fees (depending on the site) and overpriced shipping i make back a lot less than i intended. craigslist isn't working as well as it used to with all the spam on there, counterfeit items, and people emailing several times but never showing up to buy anything. but really i want to keep everything. lol. if i could have a wall display of shoes and bags i'd be fine just looking at them. i can't see them in boxes so i don't use them. and eventually forget they are even there. until i can't find a spot to put something. they used to sell that little camera that took polaroids and put them on stickers. i need one of those to label my boxes of stuff so i know whats in there.

not to mention the endless toiletries and make up i've bought because it was on sale or from a hotel room (or i thought i might actually start wearing make up) but haven't managed to use.

~ amorette

idle days

2010-01-12T23:32:00.002-05:00

when you're thinking ahead to stressful days to be. but nothing to do now. a lot of time is wasted. i think a month went by before i noticed the lack of energy. the lack of anything getting done. i don't know if its winter that's got me in a freeze. or the short days and long nights that have brought on the familiar melancholy and dragging of the limbs to get anything accomplished.

i've spent the last two days trying to get a christmas present set up so i can use it. a blu-ray player. they ship it without an hdmi cable. and i couldn't find the one i thought i had. so i'm waiting for amazon to send me one. so its plugged in but disconnected. and i hear it ticking. electronic heartbeat. it also wants to be connected to the internet. with a real wire. a physical attachment. oldschool. i'm thinking of getting a 50 foot cable and running it in. so much easier than the fight i've been having with the routers to get them to talk to each other. the belkin beat up the netgear.

my roommate comes home and turns out the hall light and puts her shoes in the bin. thats the only way i know she's home. when i look into the dark hallway. but maybe she didn't put it out today because it won't come back on. the bulb only lasted 2 months and we hardly used it. there must be something wrong.

i can't figure out my neighbors. undergrads surely. underage definitely. partiers of course. but why does one of them keep coming back to the apartment without keys and smashing open the door. maintenance has been here the past few days fixing it. its got patches all over it. metal. wood. nails. its kind of crazy. i'm amazed that the cleaning woman mopped the stairs and front hall today. and took out the trash bags someone left in the foyer. in my old apartment they vacuumed the carpet and steps every morning. that was a bit of overkill. but they never clean this place. the carpet on the first two floors has tumbleweeds of dust and dog fur. thats what happens when you try to save some rent. i'm sure a lot of places don't have cleaning services, but a lot of places don't have a maintenance company. you'd think in a place with one, something would get maintained.

at least the heat is back on. clanking away. i'm sure to wake up in a few hours in a sauna. but at least i can turn it off. the old apartment had no option. it was sweat or sleep outside.

good night internet.

~ amorette

time

2009-09-12T23:28:00.006-04:00

fit me into this box
where i am perfect
and love me
i dare you.

there is always one person. we've loved briefly. with everything we have.
that we will think of fondly. through out our lives.
no matter how perfect the one we are with is.
and we will dig our claws in. to feel something else.
something other than some longing for a baby faced 20-something.
we knew when we were the same.
for a succession of moments.
but never knew again.
and never could know again.
time moves on. because it has to. or the memory wouldn't be so perfect.
and the clawing at what we still have wouldn't be so worth it.
& sometimes we remember. memories of pain are just as perfect.
reminders of what we once were.
but gladly... we don't have to be again.

* * *

but he is clear as the bright blue sky to me. he's been away 10 days and i already miss him too much. and its one of those irrational pit of the stomach fears that when someone is away they will stay away. its like breaking up if you don't see someone everyday. temporarily. but sometimes that's a good thing.

when someone asks me what my type is. i say i don't know i usually fall for someone who isn't commonly considered handsome. but in some offbeat way i find them entirely irresistible. everyone has their own brad pitt. hah.

i watched the benjamin button movie tonight. finally. i had read the short story it was based on a while back because it was one of those free ebooks that can be found online. can't say the movie matched the story line exactly. but it was a very short story and they pulled it off well. the make up they do in movies is always amazing. they make those ppl look so aged or so young whenever they want. when we all know how old the actors really are. if only we each had our own film crews to make us look glamorous. or hideous, on demand. film is the fountain of youth.

i'm sad to see that this host i am using only allows 250mb... i swore it was more before. but i knew one day they'd have to figure out how to make money off of people. once they are settled do something that will drive them to pay. but i can always post the txt on blogger and put it in a frame on the page or something i suppose. i looked at an old page i made before. used to spend so much more time on this. it looked really good w/framesets. i should do that for this layout. then just put the blogspot page in a frame. ahh... how we used to work around things back in the day. coming back to me now. i've got close ties with frugal.

~ amorette

keeping secrets

2009-06-24T20:20:00.004-04:00

we get so good at keeping secrets. that sometimes we forget we have any.

in films they will have the couples diverge their silly secrets and then announce that now they have no more secrets so everything will be perfect. they are finally one unit.

but maybe we should keep secrets. so we remain our own entities. maybe we shouldn't share all of the same desires and passions and interests. maybe in fact we should disagree on whether to listen to marley or deathcab. maybe its ok classical music gives me a headache and you like to listen to it before bed. no one after all really wants to be best friends with themselves. that's just what we say when we are lonely.

so i'm certain there is a seasonal mood swing that occurs. maybe without even knowing it things change just because of the weather. like this damn rain we've been having. for weeks it seems. and it not just seems that way, i think that's the truth. in spring we had weeks of 85 degree summer weather. and then weeks and weeks of rain. and now it is technically summer but the rain continues. and this damn mood swing has developed. so usually the only thing that can get you down in the summer is the humidity. the damp sweaty feeling you can't escape. recently i'm getting that in my office, because the heat is perched at 83.1 and it won't relent. the thermostat is useless. and its a reoccurring event that never seems to be fixed for good; like that drip-drip leak from the ceiling that fills buckets each time it rains. good thing the weeks of rain have at least been mostly misty weather and not all out downpours. this isn't like boston, to be so wet. either way, i've been on edge lately. angry at no one, but you'd think it was at you.

at least i can't get angry at a blog. or maybe i can, but it won't hold a grudge.

~ amorette

tonight is the kind of night...

2009-03-29T23:49:00.004-04:00

you feel like talking to air.

or internet, as it may be.

yesterday it was gorgeous out. i went back to my old college campus to visit my sister and some old and new friends in my sorority. i am very nostalgic about that place. it hasn't been long enough for nostalgia to kick in but there's no other way to describe it. i like that its set in a hick town. that they have cows and horses and sheep and 4-H chicken shows. today is was raining and foggy. but the fog has that way of settling. makes me wish i had a camera that could pick that up. or at least hadn't forgotten mine so i could try.

why do farm animals give you these looks like they are so sad. i think we just associate big eyes with sad. and they just have big eyes. but still. i think they may have just wanted treats. but i'm pretty sure they don't want me feeding horses treats. i might give them jelly donuts. cafeteria ones no less. those will cause some destruction.

when i'm driving around the area of campus i just get these memories of the people i hung out with and where i used to go. i miss living with so many people i enjoy hanging out with. and just doing whatever all the time because we're just in the same place. but its not really possible to recreate that. now its workday. weekday evenings spent by myself. weekends spent with the boyfriend or on excursions to visit CT friends or family. i don't really have a new life here other than all my crap. my apartment i wish i could change. and the boyfriend. but maybe i do and i just wouldn't realize it until i left. and came back to drive around.

not that i'm leaving anytime soon. maybe i need to admit that i'm here for a while. and then i'll settle. and grow some roots.

wish i could find a damn apartment with roommates i got along with and more space and a place for the car. i guess that's really much too ask for without forking over more cash. but would it be worth it? it might be worth it just for more fridge space.

amorette

trembling

2009-01-10T20:01:00.004-05:00

so I keep websites like relics of the past. like those paper journals I stopped using after my first real affliction with blogging. I still have several beautiful paper journals I'm not sure will ever get filled with anger and sobs, joy and misappropriated love. and a few others I deemed theme journals with a few scant entries. one was going to be a catalogue of my history of lovers. but that'd be slow going as now they are more like long novels and less like sitcoms with overlapping broadcast times.

so yesterday I got an email, well checked my email for the first time really since our long failure of a trip to the east. well really we had Internet access but I was in the midst of ignoring the existence of the world, which includes spam. so the email was a notice that trembling was expiring, or by last night had expired, but of course I could not let it stay that way. one day I will add to it so I will continue to keep it. at least this is what justifies the expense.

I have slipped into a nonchalantness recently. bordering on a desire to completely alter my life. I get into these cleansing phases. that really all in all sort of represent themselves as bouts of minor depression.

I am still fighing off el gripe de Japan as I will call it. and next time I am in japan in winter I will make sure not to try to tuff it in a sweatshirt.

anyway off to pay attention to my boyfriend; the idiotic typing of this ipod is driving me nuts.

amorette

and now i ramble...

2008-07-11T15:04:00.004-04:00

Eagle Beach, Oranjestad Aruba

such a pretty picture... it is now my desktop at work. can't believe i'm going there with the entourage in 1 week!! its been 2yrs (i think!?) since our last vacation (bermuda). although there will be less of us present we will try to have just as much fun :) life should never get in the way of vacations with your best friends!! hehe. ok /end rant.

life has been full nowadays... its great. i still do find times of boredom. but life can never be without its empty spaces. i do still wish i was made of money. was more confrontational. was more awake. and could take off fridays from work. that'd make so many 4 day weekends instead of just 3. although 3 is OK. its not a great utilization of vacation days. hehe. but this only comes about because the bf is encouraging travel and overbudget expenditures... must save money... but i never do save as much as i could. $7 for lunch out because i'm too lazy to make it in the AM (don't want to wake up... still not a morning person no matter how hard i try). and then there are sales and things i want (because i always want something) and i spend there (while i convince myself i'm "saving"). and then people come to visit and i spend because i have a job and they don't or because its rare they are here and i want to go do things... and everyone knows doing stuff = not saving $$. and then i want to go visit friends for reunions/parties (college friends when we have something planned and sorority sisters once a month if i don't already have that weekend booked in boston/aruba/hawaii/etc.)... which costs that famous $4+/gallon + tolls + fees for whatever we're doing... so i throw down what maybe $100-200 on those 2 weekends. probably about $200-300 on things i don't need. then with rent and parking at $550. internet and phone at $65. at the high end that's about $1100 a month not including food... which leaves me about $1000 to pay down charge cards & loan (i finally payed off my loan!! so i was happy... till they sent me a letter telling me the interest rate dropped more than 2% which makes paying it off fast less critical and i still have 5k of it on a no interest intro-CC to pay off). so i'm living on the brink like our "young professional" once over-achiever now over-slacker and over-spender "generation" (or w/e we are).

at least i haven't purchased gas in about 3 months probably. (go carbon footprint... bullcrap) i should have stocked up then. altho keeping gas stocked up anywhere is not a safe practice.

so i had wanted to say but i forgot. the entourage (aforementioned group of college friends) had planned on a hawaii 2008 excursion but as the prices for that were enormous we settled for less enormous fees for a 2 bedroom suite in Aruba... thanks to Cate and her Disney vacation connections this will cost us about $250 each a week i think... which even saves us over even the cheap hotel (priceline bid, "3 star resort") ry and i are staying at in Kauai, HI for one night. but this is fine with me because now i'm going to Kauai in August... so I should start working on my tan for Aruba.

lol. me, a tan. thats funny. although i think my arms are having some sort of sun shock from the few hours i've put them through over the past week because they are freckled and doing an odd flakey business. nothing a little after-sun lotion didn't fix. i love that banana boat stuff. priceless. if only it came in a travel-size. i will have to move it into one. pumps do not pack well in suitcases. unless you want a goo flood... altho somehow i did manage to bring it to bermuda. but it didnt have to go through luggage for too long (no flight).

so my parents brought up the huffy (read: bike) july 4th weekend and suped it up with a new wide-butt seat with no slash in it (original one was slashed from the box-cutter in kmart... hence bike-on-sale!) and i finally took it out for a test ride last night with ry. first time i rode it since high school i imagine. its held up pretty well. the only rust i saw was on one of the pedal "arms" (or whatever you may wish to call them) and its still got paint. woo! paint! so i was thinking about ordering up some fenders with the remainder of my amazon gift card... and the geese reminded me of this. needless to say i ran over some of their gifts they leave on bike trails (and grass and anywhere they go) and it splashed up on the back of my leg and my next pedal made a cold squish feeling on the back of my knee... eww! so i will have to remember to get fenders for it i s'pose. now i just have to figure out what kind. and i guess i'll have to clean goose shit out the fenders every once in a while. the duckies were being cute in a massive line down the little inlet of a river next to the charles. there were some independent minds straying from the pack but there's always the black sheep, or duck as it may be, in any group of conformists. which reminds me of the McDonalds ad i hate in which they tell us that we should be nonconformists by eating chicken on a biscuit for breakfast at McDonalds... since when has McDonalds flow free of the pack? its probably more american than apple pie and mickey mouse. or at least just as much so. although they certainly are attempting to market themselves and "global" and "hip." they really should just remind us that their salty greasy food isn't all that cheap but it is addicting, like doritos. and addiction gets us every time. mmm grease that we associate with tasting like meat.

and i leave you now, with that wonderful thought. that maybe someone will find and read one day.

~ amorette

joy withdrawal

2008-02-21T22:56:00.002-05:00

i think after a certain amount of exuberant joy there is the same coming down as with any other high. in the moments after there is insecurity. uneasiness. a feeling of drifting maybe. a lull. a slice of non-life. or so it seems. after you have been so happy. now in moments of just simple nothing. are you bored? do you reflect and question too much how legit the source was? do you question if you deserve it?

"deserve"

this word is startling to me. when used. when i try to decipher it in any meaning, in any sense really... it does not seem right. does anyone deserve anything? if not, someone cannot be unable to deserve something. too many negatives. the only times we get to use this i think is when we are talking of base things "deserving respect, life, liberty, happyness" etc. deserving of happyness. that puts a warped twist on deserving things in our egocentric minds. me me me. i deserve everything. everything will make me happy.

i go on tangents.

i wish my roommates tv had a lower volume. but i can't complain after last night. even though she doesn't work on thursdays.

snow storm tomorrow. snow reminds me of childhood. of those snowboots that went up to your knees, almost. the feet and feet of white clean powder that would collect between our homes and the bay. the city would sparkle. briefly. this is one of the few things i remember. things associated with my home when i grew up. of playing. of stray cats and pet squirrels. of our make believe foods (which were rather poisonous soups). good things. joy even. have always mingled with snow.

humans and their fascinations. if it sparkles. if it only lasts a moment. if its something we can't hold and keep to our hearts. we want it even more.

in the short term i have very strong visual memory. i think in the long term i have taught myself to forget most of it. things come back in pangs. good things, bad things. all the same its a pang of vision of scent of a sense of space and touch. of being back there. wide awake dreams. my mind fixates on some.

recent. a smile in a doorway. stuck in my head like a photo.
many others. fast motion brief slideshows. (i wish not to share.)
a conversation clip i can't remember word for word but i feel the sentiment. that desire to get what we deserve, eh. to make those brief moments of luster compound and collect and fix into place. memories into present. even if we run from permanence. i think we seek it. we seek its comfort. its calming space. (what was it? relaxing? no...)

sometimes i search for words for names for something in my head and i feel like the connection will never take. what is it, what is it? it screams. things flash up that are not right. and they get stuck on the tongue. and i can't seem to find it. till i give up and it floats up on its own. as if i'm remembering it for the first time.

everyone wants to feel good. we make moments. we make nests. we remember and try to repeat and bring forth that content feeling. sometimes we sleep too much. waiting.

i think its easier if we stop questioning so much. but we can never leave well enough alone. (as the saying goes.)

i for one, sleep too little. think too much (after the fact, mostly). and of course, desire everything. and the one thing i wish we had the ability to do was record our visual memories. or at least store them better. snapshots, videos, in the mind of things you saw and experienced... they are always better than the ones your camera catches. if only i had a genie and a wish.

~ amorette

i noticed today

2008-02-19T23:52:00.002-05:00

i noticed today that i had picked up some breakfast bars made by this coffee shop i went to once in pittsburg. reminded me of that time. hit a little somewhere inside.

i've been melancholy all day.

but the weather was great. and i bought new gym shoes. and a new comforter. and threw out two pairs of shoes (i can't remember the last time i did that). and the old comforter is sitting atop my closet shelf 6' up. pending garbage or what i do not know. always seems a shame to dispose of things which are still useful. but i would have to clean it to give it away. and in a few minutes i will collect my 3 loads of laundry. sadly i have at least 3 more to do. laundry never ends. just like the repetitiveness of hunger and fatigue and day to day to day.

wish i had more to say to keep conversations going forever. so there wouldn't be that lull at the end of a good sequence of hours. the face falls slack. the sad thoughts and fears are allowed to come back. then its time to go back to your box that contains all your possessions. that is your life. this is what i am. see it. its clean. its tidy. its warmly colored. but its empty. its still empty.

its a problem of options

2008-02-19T23:39:00.002-05:00

so how do you know who is the one? since we are only allowed one. at least one at a time. now that the internet may simplify the problem of a lack of options (for those blessed with the skill of the self portrait) it is now a problem of options available in rapid succession.

and its a two way road. we both have this. or we may initially assume we are equally as desirable.

its jump quick catch cling hold on and ride it out.

or what is it?

bait wait mull toil dig urself a little ditch and stick with the one who falls in.

sometimes thinking builds knots and coils in my stomach.

wanting makes me feel i haven't enough oxygen. no matter how slow and deep i breathe.

if i shake it up enough maybe something will rise to the surface and the rest fall out of view at the bottom.

patience is often not an option. not when oxygen is thin.

so its cold in boston (finally)

2008-01-21T23:27:00.001-05:00

it has been a very cold weekend. and tomorrow it will be 19F. yay. not really. i have to go outside tomorrow. haha. but at least its a tuesday and not a monday. that means closer to friday. not that i want the time to fly so fast that i'm old before i know it (which is what it feels like to me beckoning on the weekend every weekday). i want to do fun things on tuesdays too!

so lets see. on friday all i did was go to the gym. which was a feat in itself. then the next day i slept in. which is great. thats what weekends are for! and i enjoyed not driving all over the place for once. i went to see "no country for old men" with my somerville pal erick. the movie i did enjoy despite the fact that it involved a madman hunting people. it had a lot of character. and by that i mean the actors actually played distinct characters and it was actually a good show. i mean not boring. it was fluent and made ya think about what the hell was going on... and a little squeamish. then we were starved so we walked through the desolate looking streets surrounding kendall sq. and happened upon a restaurant called b sides that didn't look open but oh it was. and i did have a super tasty hot pastrami sandwich and a gin based drink called "monkey glands" which i think was probably much tastier than actual glands of any animal. but i'm pretty sure it gave me that acid stomach feeling in the middle of the night (somewhere between 3am and 1pm). and i knew i shouldn't of had orange juice two times in one day. not to mention with gin (the second time). haha. but tums always saves me.

u know boston is small so u'd think surrounding towns would be easy to get to. and well they are. but you have to make sure to catch a T back before they close up shop (or be prepared to shell out a bunch for a cab). so it kind of limits hanging out time with those who live across the charles. haha. unless little bike made it out for a spin. or u hung out till around 5am. but damn its bitter out. i'd need a ski mask. and snowsuit. and uh then i'd look crazy. but that's to be expected. wish i had room for a big bike. i could keep one in the basement. i saw some others locked up there. i may look into that since i have one sitting at home doing nothing. but i <3 little bike.

so i signed up for this site 'okcupid' on kudos from my friend sir mike. seems like there may some interesting folk on there to chat with and perhaps extract some friendships. i mean at least some busy nights on the calendar would make it worth its while. u never know where u'll find ur inspiration. or something. maybe i'll transform myself into a socialite yet. or at least go back to being an avid online socialite. then maybe i'll be one of those rad kids with those mobile devices IM'n (and bloggin) via that so i can not be confined to the room with my mini mac. mayhaps some conversations with some new folks will bring on some inspiration or some opportunities to explore this lil' city by the bay. i do enjoy a good talk.

anyway. i promised myself i'd go to sleep before midnight. so off i go.

'nite

<3 amorette

today's odd product is...

2008-01-21T23:15:00.000-05:00

Get tap-happy! Adjustable penguin feet let you tap out a tune just like Mumble. Music and motion-sensitive sound effects are in sync with your steps as you rat-a-tat-tat. Requires four "AA" batteries, included. One size fits ages 4 to 8.

so this i had to blog about. because not only is it hilarious that you can now tap "like Mumble" but that anyone knows thats what the silly penguin in that movie were called and that they for some reason unbeknownst to me require AA batteries. odd odd toy.

this concept of "fun"

2008-01-06T12:20:00.000-05:00

so i've been the laziest person this weekend. doing nothing so far. although i fear i may break that trend to go purchase some groceries... seeing as the 1/4 of the fridge i usually take up is empty. except for some leftover pancakes. those veggie burgers in the freezer are starting to look like food.

so i think most of us sit around lamenting not doing anything fun. we spend most of our time trying to come up with something to do. at this i am at a loss currently. basically because it requires going to bed on time and getting up early to do anything actually productive or even entertaining. and this i am not a master of. i think i shall make a point of 'early to bed early to rise' this week. i've tried to do this before. but i think things have calmed down a bit. i really have no reason to stay up late. except for the occasional social occasion. which usually involves CT. i need to make some roots here. and by roots i mean i need to find people who knows what this concept of fun is. or maybe have no life and are just creative. because if someone does 'have a life' they are always way too busy for their free space to coincide with my abundance of free space. which i mean figuratively because i occupy a very tiny space.

so my current qualms are: empty fridge, this gym membership i have now but have not used yet, my lack of gym appropriate shoes, TV/entertainment system still not cohesive (ie i have a dvd recorder i can not figure out how to hook up), a dead roomba i have to get rid of or try to "repair" but its not fiscally worth it, the never ending search for some kind of furniture that fits in a 20" wide space which will accommodate my heavier pants which are sure to break the bar in my closet, the pot rack i still have not put up in the kitchen, the jewelry cabinet i have not put together but am waiting on pending this "furniture" issue, oh and of course the persistent need of a good hair cut, something to do, the possibility of grad school, and the payments on my loan i have to figure out...

so my head is so full that nothing gets done very efficiently. i think i spent most of yesterday watching PBS, sweating myself into a coma, cooking, cleaning & laundry. of course i still have 2 loads of laundry and a huge mass of things i need to hand wash. i should just throw them out and save myself the trouble.

so life is very domestic at the moment. and i fear it will stay that way at least until i get all my qualms settled. then onto defining fun.

<3 amorette

ellie hamper

2008-01-05T15:15:00.000-05:00

elephant hamper

omg. i had to blog this... cuz its hilarious. and besides penguins, elephants are my favorite animals. i'm rambling around amazon looking for something to spend my $25 gift card on. but i will have another $50 one at some point when i get my credit card company to mail it to me. anyway. i like creative people who come up with these things lol.

confessions, randomly strewn

2007-12-28T21:23:00.001-05:00

every night
i am horribly drawn to call him
missing the closeness
that perhaps was entirely fantasy
imagination is a skill of mine
now i feel i've dropped from his life
too distant, full too of denial

and strange things
he has never stirred in me
bubbling to the surface
fear. apprehension.
realization: i wanted to please
feelings of failure
remission & weakness
gnawing need
empty empty depths

feeling of being left behind
scraping not falling together
scattered me

hiding meaning in puzzled words
finding myself alone
entrapped with vivid imagination
wanting to hear that voice
the voice that could make my blood rush
my heart dizzy
those words i heard
every night
months ago now

months ago, but it doesn't seem so
buried in the past
time travel doesn't seem so impossible

· · · ·

i lie to myself about anticipation
while the sun hangs in the sky
as night finds me burying myself
in other peoples fantastic stories
i dig out my own
and scare myself from sleep

falsified
anticipation of a future
a new year, new life
hope? i can not find hope
trapped in the past
must manifest -
try not to play pretend
must create a happiness
build a dream from earthly roots
until it is real

until i have a spirit to speak to
late into the morning
to set the fascinations to rest
let hope give way to dreams
and rest give way to sleep

· · · ·

let go of desires
pushed into dormancy with distance
he will not be there to answer

let go
create
flourish

i speak a chant to myself
like a prayer
with no God to hear
ushering me on
do good do good
change grow flourish
forgiven not forgotten
friend not lover
adjust adapt recoup

· · · ·

just another year
(he said it was so long)
truth speaks it was brief
passing moment in the wake of a life
with minds eager to form new memories

· · · ·

thoughts colliding too much,
everything becomes incoherent
not simple
no direct contrast, no left and right
black nor white
this is life
we live in our deconstructions

hard to imagine
you desire freedom
i desire shackles
you feel relief
i curse freedom

solitary
a weak point
drifting in a stream of chaos

collisions
scribe destiny
with the ebbing of the waves
swaying of all that is untethered
in a wind you can not tame

· · · ·

we didn't want to be our parents
held them up as idols
to reminds us what we should not become
moments flash in memory
i was my mothers temper
i failed
moments
you were your fathers demons
you failed
we could not succeed

· · · ·

pain ripples across the center of my forehead
i am still young i am still young
but a wrinkle lies there sometimes
i know why inside
i know why scars appear
i know why i feel so bitter
pit of the stomach
where i feel the acid churn
when i "forget" to eat
i shake when i remember
i forgot to be unlike them
i have not changed
i have not
i want to, need to, change

in my head often it talks
all about me
and when it wells up
when i feel as if i'd wretch
when it feels as if i tried too hard
to please you
or tried to hard to please me
through you
it runs about confused
in memory in sadness
in my anger

the pain shoots across my forehead
down into the depths
of whatever i am
i know i failed myself
its all about me
i was trained well
even though i don't want it to be

i want to change
wanted to let you in
thought that would help
soften a heart of stone

i am still young i am still young
like a mind,
can not a heart still grow?

friday.

2007-12-28T14:40:00.000-05:00

nothing too eventful today. hence no exciting title. let's see... i can bore you with some mundane details...

i rolled out of bed sort of late... sometime before noon... felt like 11. mom made waffles but it was more of an experiment because she tried to make the batter out of flour, sugar, egg, and baking soda. prolly milk too. anyway. combine that with the fact that the waffle maker is on the fritz (the hinge broke) so they weren't the best waffles. and kind of soggy on top. but any waffle is better than no waffle eh? altho the whole upstairs smelled like fried green peppers cuz my dad made home fries. well sort of. big potatoes that are fried. so pseudo home fries. i guess it depends on how you eat them. anyway the smell threw off the waffle taste.

checked my facebook today. i haven't been online in a few days. and i'm shocked at how some of the people i went to high school with are engaged to each other. its crazy. i guess u turn 24 and you need to be married? lol. i don't know. well actually just that they are dating STILL is miracle enough to mean marriage is eminent. i guess. haha. also amazes me since i had no interest in dating anyone from my high school. i haven't seen anyone around town. but i haven't gone looking. i did see a girl at the mall that lived across from me at uconn. but uh we weren't friends. to say the least.

also i saw on my comments that there is a sequel to 'saturday night fever.' lol. yes i don't know these things b/c those movies are so cheesy that i try to ignore their existence - and i think Travolta is sorta scary. and kinda looks like he has a reptiles' head.

hmm. so yesterday we were going to go to nyc. so my mom could go to the dentist. but we didn't get woken up till 10am. so it was a lost cause. and it was ice raining. which sucks. so we headed out to get there a little late... but gave up and just went to the mall. lol. i got a neat dress i may wear on new years. and a really weird sweater that has arms that only go to your elbows and then its kind of like a shawl. so weird. and one of those skirts that has a high waist and surprisingly doesn't make me look pregnant. and a couple other things that i can't wear to work. lol. i need to have an outside of work life so i can wear all my cute clothes ;p

i'm kind of glad we didn't go to the city. its so dismal. i like it... but i need to have something fun to do if i go there. not just claustrophobic car induced fights with family and bad diner food. and reminds me all the stuff i didn't do when i used to go visit plunk. we shoulda made ourselves do more fun stuff. i think we'd have known each other better then. instead of just being lazy asses. but i guess that takes creativity and planning. and laziness is so easy. like for example... i've done nothing this week. 'cept shopping and watching films. and i finished a book and started a scary one on aliens. which caused nightmares so i quit reading. and started another one. which i've started several times and never finished because the characters seem all violent and mean and i can't identify with them. and its just no good that way. so if anyone has some book suggestions i'm open. i've got 2 to read back at my apartment. so they'll keep me busy for a while. lol. i'm slow.

i am psyched about new years, starting a new year, my gym membership starting when i get back to boston... i think i need new sneakers tho (my old ones are from high school) with all the shoes i have you'd think i'd have newer sneakers. they just don't look like they are worn out yet. but i'm no gym shoe expert. but not too psyched about courses not starting till the 15th so i have 2 weeks of work with no students around to keep me busy. but i guess i'll get through it. always find something to do. or else i'll have to convince myself to learn some new things.

can't believe my sister is going to be 20 in a few days. and i'm heading towards 25 next year. i'll definitely put "quarter-life crisis" on my to do list. although i think i may have had it already. hah.

<3

today's video

2007-12-25T19:33:00.001-05:00

"last christmas" by wham (aka george michael)

how can you have christmas without it??

on another note (web browsers)

2007-12-25T19:18:00.001-05:00

so i created this layout on my mac... and those mac scrollbars aren't changeable with style tags like on windows so it may not be so aesthetically pleasing on there... but looks chic on the windows platform. sigh. i will have to convert to something mac-visible. but i'll save that for later...

christmas day.

2007-12-25T18:56:00.001-05:00

so last time i tried to publish it wouldn't go through... so it just got published now (free servers have their issues haha)

so christmas day is over. i pretty much knew what i was going to get. i got the panini maker i wanted. so now i can make hot and toasty sandwiches whenever i want lol. too bad i don't have 2 (one for at work) but that's just greedy. anyway so i tested that out on the bacon for breakfast. works pretty good ;p

i think everyone liked what i got them. but ya never know. and my sis got me the husy paw pants that i always wanted at uconn but never got. i think they are a different brand now so not like $85 anymore. that was crazyness.

other than that christmas is never picture perfect like its supposed to be. ppl get grumpy and have fights about whether flaps on hats stay sewed up or go down over ur eyes. pssh. but that's my family. maybe yours is different, but then again - maybe not.

i don't know what i'll be doing the next of week. but some of it will consist of taking a few things back. and uh.. enjoying not having to get up too early. not that i've been able to sleep in since i'm on a sort of sleep schedule now. (not waking up as early as i should for work but waking up before 9am on my own without the alarm)

so let's see... we watched 'the simpsons movie' last night. it was just like a really long episode. aka. nothing special. for some reason i got the impression that they were going to be superheroes in the movie... i don't know where that came from b/c that wasn't what it was about. same themes as always (saving the evironment, geeky lisa finding boyfriends, homer being a bad parent/husband, and marge being ever so faithful to homer... and bart well envying flanders kids was odd).

my mom bought my sis a bunch of music themed/dancing musical type movies. so we watched 'saturday night fever' which was... odd... and we don't know if it was the uncut version b/c there was more nudity that we expected. and ew travolta put on some pants. anyway at least he was wearing pants aka a dress in 'hairspray' b/c we watched that too. it was kind of funny he was playing the mom... but why he's a man? we wondered if he was dancing in the fat suit. or if they had like a woman double or something. i think i saw an old version of that movie.. i don't think it was a musical... and i think it was better. this reminded me of a disney movie with real people instead of cartoons. but put enough costumes on and you'll be a cartoon. as far as 'saturday night fever' i didn't think travolta was that great of a dancer... well he was better than that girl he chose as a dance partner. her outfits reminded me of a semi-recent madonna video. gah. horrible. and sadly madonna is in better shape. oh and i wonder if/why they never did a sequel? i mean... did he find a job in manhattan? could they stay just friends? the world will never know.

ok i'm going to go play with the "salad shooter" i got for xmas and help make dinner.

<3

and i'm home for christmas

2007-12-22T14:19:00.000-05:00

so i'm back at home for a week for our intersession break from work. and i dunno what i'll do prolly just hang with bear (who has a new dog bed - even tho he's a cat ;p) and sneeze a lot b/c of that.

today's youtube song is here. (embed was disabled!) landon pigg - "can't let go"

we're already listened to the hanson cd and we're on to julia's first mix cd. we've got a couple more to go than we may be sick of christmas music. i got home around 10pm last night so tired but stayed up till 1:30am. we started watching v for vendetta before 1am... before that we were googling youtube things. i wish my internet in boston was faster! comcast sucks!! or my wireless reception.. but likely both. plus we pay $45 a month for it... yahoo is like half of that. and so much better. gosh.

a little bit of snow flakes were coming down. mom and dad are out christmas shopping. AND i'm pissed she returned something i picked out for myself b/c according to her she "thought it was for julia and she woulndn't want it" when if she had asked dad he woulda known i picked it out for me and made him get it. grrr. she's annoying like that. past few years they have been going out last minute like this and buying crap we don't want when we'd rather they just not waste the money and be stressed out about it and annoying b/c they are stressed out about shopping. well at least mom, she hates shopping. dad just doesn't do much of it. well at least that's how i feel about it i dunno about julia she likes stuff. no matter what it is. if its wrapped up she probably wants it.

oh oh laptop you are so not cooling yourself well. i wonder if i buy a new heat sink/fan thingydoodle it will fix it. i'm scared of openin it up and messing with it. and my damn windows toolbar won't minimize to the smallest size. its stuck all big and in the wayz. garz. oh, computers.

hmmm on to AIM. haha. that is my life.

<3

snow snow snow

2007-12-20T10:14:00.000-05:00

its coming down and covering the ugly slush. unfortunately i'm at work all day till its dark out so i cant take any photos :(

one of these days i'll become a morning person. still hasn't happened yet. unless 2am is morning.

<3

so welcome back

2007-12-20T00:10:00.001-05:00

i posted a quick little layout. this image is from kent falls in new milford last summer (when i went with plunk). anyway me and trees are cool. so i replaced the last trees with these. and wrote a little poem on the front about how i feel about things right now.

this wasn't what i was planning but its winter and i don't have a handle on my new camera yet. i just wanted something different other than that huge green mess i made. so maybe i feel like writing here. and all that flickr business i'm not sure of right now. or posting links to other things other than blog... i want to pick out my favorite photos i've taken and showcase those instead of just every photo i've ever taken. but as we know (if you know me) i'm horrible at choosing favorites. so this may be another project in my personal development. so i suppose right now this is a blog so me and my stalkers can talk.

and yes i'm trying to make this more private so bios will be more vague and everyone will have code names. jk. but most ppl already have code names.

and i love kevin devine (listening to him now). and jonah matranga grew up where i'm living now. so maybe there's good energy here.

as long as we can laugh we'll all be ok.

<3 amorette

omg.

2007-12-19T10:33:00.000-05:00

i finally found the stupidest item ever invented...

George Foreman iPod Grill

George Foreman iPod Grill. Ideal for indoor or outdoor use, this George Foreman electric barbeque provides a large 200-square-inch cooking surface for grilling veggies, burgers, and more. The unit's George Tough nonstick coating ensures effortless food release and simple cleanup, while its center channel drains fat away from food and into a large grease tray. The unique appliance not only grills, but it can also provide music to help set the mood--whether romantic or fun and festive during a party. For music capabilities, the unit comes equipped with a 10-watt speaker and the ability to be used with an iPod or MP3 player. Other highlights include an adjustable temperature-control probe, a sleek attractive design, and a high-domed lid.

because you always want your ipod to be in such close proximity to all the grease we all know the george foreman is designed to create. haha.

eh?

2007-12-10T18:42:00.000-05:00

did i ever tell you i <3 canadians? here's a song. to stall me thinking of something to say. oh, and i'm still waiting for the moffatts to come back (googling that at the moment) haha. or at least some of them *pouts* please? i still have those scbd.nu blog posts from way back when saved on blogger. (if anyone remembers that)

ben sigston - "smile"

before

2007-12-04T18:56:00.000-05:00

before there was you i had my blog. i had my fansites. i had another you. and now in absence here i return. back to where it began. back to talking to myself so i don't bother everyone with my lamenting. (and my opinions you may not agree with. but really i think you would. if we understood each other.)

although really it is just to lessen the load. i will still whine to ya'll.

so its winter and the fingers are numb because the kitchen is cold and the kitchen sink water is cold. my warm is toasty yet drafty. but the draft is all my fault because i still have the air conditioner in the window and have not come up with a way to rig up something to block it yet.

and i am painfully tired. constantly. but mostly because i can't sleep. and it doesnt help that my knee and my lower back are giving me shit. so i can't walk right. and that my bed has self destructed. its no longer as firm as i need it. or i feel i need it. either way something is up. i'm going to blame the tempo seat and the little bike. (or that inability to sleep).

new webhost

2007-05-02T01:01:00.000-04:00

so i've been hosted on 2mhost for at least 3 years at a very reasonable less-than-20 bucks a year for 50mb. but as everyone knows i don't have a job i'd rather spend that $$ on shoes/purses on ebay or on the train to visit plunk or registering my moms domain name for another two years. oh, and free hosting is super nice. i've put my moms website on freehostia for the past year, but i never actually made it till last month. i've noticed that sometimes when i upload things the text doesn't come out right on the page when i load it. so if this occurs. not my bad. blame the free host, right? i'm sure i'll notice it and re-upload it before anyone else does. but feel free to rat on my host for me. but anyway i have more space now. so maybe my archives can come back (for sneaky people to read).

oh and [speaking of webhosts] i've just realized that trembling.org vanished. so i'll have to figure out if portland is still doing OK with the responsibility of keeping that open .. or move it to freehostia. ... maybe one day i'll want to change that. but i so like it the way it is. its like an old diary. of course without any mention of daily life. or really my life. for real.

web hosting .. the necessary evil

2007-04-17T16:51:00.000-04:00

so i used to be a web host myself. way back when. lol. but now i'm not. now i don't even think i'm going to renew paying $18 for my current webhost. i have no qualms with them whatsoever. its just that even my text files were filling up 50mb and i can get 250mb for free at another site. so i'm going to try that. i'd rather pay $9+tax to renew this than $27+tax for the year. because i'm a cheap bastard. and that's why i gave up being a webhost .. because everyones cheap (not necessarily a bastard). lol. besides when i did it it was fun cuz i was chatty with the girls i hosted.

anyway stuff like this pisses me off. that must have been when i decided not to renew uncontrollable.org .. 2/4/2005. ever since then domaincollection.com has been trying to sell it at a much inflated price (i'm sure, b/c you have to contact them for an estimate). isn't 2 years long enough to tell its not going to sell? i liked it. but i can't have it now. nor any of the other names i used. because they were snatched up by the same sort of companies. so now there are tons (and tons) of websites out there that look like this. three that i stopped running weren't bought up. one because it was a .nu, one because it was a long made up word, and the third because it was a short made up word. but i would like to own the zine site we had again. just in case i was ever really bored and wanted to pick up being cool again. lmao. but really its a silly thing. there's nothing wrong with one domain name. and i've had people offer to buy this one and trembling.org (which i still own, for no reason really). and maybe they had better uses in mind. but i like denying other ppl ownership. besides it was my idea, i had it first right. if only u could own it for life w/a one time fee. that'd be easier. we'd all go around with our made up name associations. like bumper stickers on our internet personality.

at least i don't have a site that's just a webcam pointing at a fish tank. but maybe i would if i could keep fish alive.

hmm i bet the free webhost doesn't support .shtml .. hmph. [oooh it says it does <3]

~ kara

sun is in the sky oh my oh my .. no its not

2007-04-17T14:35:00.000-04:00

so its been raining for like 2-3 days. i dunno. forever. i don't think i've been out side in weeks. thats an accomplishment, no? but this weekend is spring weekend. so i think i'll be crashing up at uconn like the good old times... if they were ever good. it usually rained and i got pissy. so i'll prepare this time. plus we're all old folks now so we prolly won't be out ALL night. lol.

hmmm... its tuesday. nope nothing redeeming there. 'cept house is on tonight. but we always forget to watch it. my mom is steadily trying to make stamps to make tshirts. there's gotta be a better way. i still want to lookup those wires with the flat ends to make these earrings i've wanted to make since summer. cuz that's fun. der. better than doin nothing. i could be making all kinds of things. maybe i should have stayed with computer engineering then i would know if my great invention of today would be possible. anyway if tshirts or earrings ever get made, or if i ever list those things i've wanted to sell on ebay. [or if i ever make moms website] that'd be something done. but geez i need a job. wah. i'm ready to march into a store and get a sales associate job. you need something scheduled to do every day or you don't do anything.

i ran 2 miles yesterday. its supposed to be a mile every day. that was the plan. but i use the term 'ran' lightly. running on a treadmill hurts my knees. i just jog a little then walk uncomfortably fast. and sometimes i get this quick jog going. but i run out of air. haha. i'm tryin. i think the elastic stretchy things ["resistance bands"] hurt my wrists. i think i use them too much when other muscles are supposed to be taking some responsibility. either that or i type too much. may be the typing. carpel tunnel here i come.

oh and now i have a list of all the books i have that i probably will never read. if you're curious.

and todays entertaining waste of time is:

hard-fi - cash machine

till something exciting happens,
kara

so i thought

2007-04-13T14:47:00.000-04:00

since youtube doesn't recall my favorites when i add them. and no one can see what i like that way anyhow. i thought since sometimes i do a lot of farting around online in the midst of "getting things done" and sometime i like things. and sometime i forget to tell people i like things. yes i don't hate everything. i thought. "hey that's what blogger is for right? i'm supposed to blog stuff" so imma start blogging "stuff." since my fotolog holds all the photos i've taken that i wish to share i no longer inserted such things into blogs, thereby removing the problem of broken picture links. so excuse any broken links in the future when the all powerful makes the sharing of things online forbidden or someone takes these fun things down to be unfun.

so the blogging of fun things begins. oh and i did wake up before 1pm today. but last night was rather restless. its hard to sleep when you're a bundle of energy. oh and now i want to figure CAD out so i can make a CAD representation of my room. cuz that'd be awesome. so it can be disorganized digitally as well as literally and figuratively and so forth.

oh and i do love how facebook is transforming itself and how it lets u post fun things in notes. but facebook profiles will never be all pretty like i want them to be. and in time perhaps we'll all forget of them. although i'm still waiting for ppl to forget about myspace. and frienster. and orkut. and makeoutclub. and .. oh wait! ppl did forget those. when i get a new layout up i'm going to put links to all those fun profiles i waste time with. because. why not. they don't link here for the most part, but maybe i can give them a kickback.

so here's this posts object:

feist - 1 2 3 4

<3 kara

oh i'm still a fanson

2007-04-13T00:12:00.000-04:00

oh! lest i forget. i really do miss running fansites and having awesome ppl to talk to. haha. anyway so if a hanson fan happens to still be reading this?? or just started anyway... i miss running uncontrollable.org (i don't own it anymore, quite obviously) and i don't have hanson.net anymore (i will again when i have an income) but i'm trying to collect all the random songs i missed out on (the ones that were leaked on the internet so i couldn't buy 'em on any CD's)...

so if you're like me and don't know if your ipod has every hanson song ever released to the public on it .. i'm putting the ones i find online for others to discover at esnips/web/rarehanson

btw i love esnips. yea that's like an advert. but i do. its the only way i can share things with my sis at college. AIM file send just blows. it really does. it never works. yayyyyy esnips. haha.

~ kara

thursday was tv night

2007-04-13T00:01:00.000-04:00

so thursday has been the only good night to watch tv in years. basically. and i was sad the OC ended. so sad i still haven't watched the last 2 episodes. which in my mind extends the length of the show forever, because i never finished it. but i do have them recorded on my fancy little dvd recorder. well no its not little. but it records. just in case one day i'm brave enough to watch 'em. but i only started watching in season 3 so i think it'd be fitting to maybe watch from season 1 and THEN finish it? although, i still haven't done that with sex and the city.

but really the OC was over when they killed marissa cooper.

tonight was disappointing. i hate recap shows of greys. they are no fun. i KNOW what happened. even though i missed a lot of shows. its like a soap, you don't ever miss too much. wait, i'm always lost on soaps. i don't know. i can't follow them they have too much ADD for me. no wait, not ADD its sap. too much sap. i get stuck. so sticky. oh no, that's the tree kind.

anyway today i start my going to bed before 1am rule. can i make it? can i really do that? i dunno.

also maybe here would be a good place to keep track of where i applied for jobs? i'm going to try to apply for 2 a day. can i do that too? oh we'll see. i blew my running a mile a day for the past 2 days. but i think going to bed before 1am getting up before 2pm will give me more energy. so i can keep that task on schedule. anyway. so today i applied to work at Revlon and Google. in package engineering and assisting projects. both sound fun. oh c'mon. anything's fun. but i think i'll let gmail keep track of the jobs i applied to. or my harddrive. those are fun things. harddrives. i think the one in this CPU won the race. i've had it a long time. well i don't know how long. but at least 6-7 years. but i think it definitely had an advantage. my laptop could melt a cheese sandwich. or five. let alone a woosy little harddrive.

and now i make myself try to sleep. onward towards a great life. eh? i'll make it happen. i will. i swear. nothing to swear by. but why not.

g'nite.

~ kara

our good will is expensive

2007-04-11T01:19:00.000-04:00

so my trusty old Compaq FS740 (CRT monitor) that i got refurbished in 2000 or 2001 (too long ago to remember) has been on the fritz for the past couple of months. it got into this phase of its life where it decided it was a good idea to start making everything look a little aqua. and then disco-party its sway along flickering back and forth between color and its new blue wash-over.

and sifting through endless lists of job openings is difficult when your eyes are screaming. so a few weeks ago i scoured the internet and local electronics stores for LCD monitors and TV/LCD monitor combos .. and really i thought the quality looked crappy. and none of those monitors were easy to look at for $190-$240 bucks. especially when that sets me back financially when really all i want is to find a job and then i'll junk this CPU and replace it with something spiffy. (if i ever have time for a computer.)

so i went to good will and got an $8 CRT monitor from 1999. and its not blue! lol. it has 2 very thin grey lines across the screen. but it was 8 bucks. and its 17" like my old one.

sad part is i never did figure out how to use the mic on the old FS740, or what those color coded holes in the back were for. now i just need to get the coffee spill out of the keyboard and find the other stand for the purple JBL speakers that used to be the ears on either side of the monitor so i'm not hearing in mono. (i still think the speakers sound pretty sweet tho.)

and that was today. but really our good will is rather expensive. once i almost wanted to buy a pair of worn out shoes cuz they were cute but they were $8. and a dress that looked like a mermaid would wear it but it was like $16. and the books are $4. and i saw a desk lamp for $30. at least things are new at walmart/kmart/target/payless for those prices. well besides the books. but the local thrift store has those for 25 cents. i guess they don't think anyone around here is poor. i wonder why we have a homeless shelter then. oh cuz there are poor ppl around here. der. greedy schmucks.

~ kara

easter sunday = candy

2007-04-09T01:37:00.000-04:00

i finally wrote in a paper journal last night. i haven't done that in forever. i started in on the one ben gave me... i still have at least 3 blank ones i've gotten from mom my old boss and myself. thats probably enough for a lifetime. haha.

besides from the fact that today i took new photos and put them on my myspace page (b/c we all know that's so much fun??) nothing all too eventful today.

it was easter. and we don't celebrate easter, we just celebrate candy. so i had a lot of candy and worked out a lot .. cuz well candy undoes that. o and cheesecake definitely undoes that. hehe.

'nite nite world
~kara

well i'm all better now

2007-04-07T12:48:00.000-04:00

so its april right, and thursday i saw snow flurries and people were still skating at rockefeller center. and the daffodils were all up and ready to open when i arrived on tuesday and regardless of the weather the buds were all open by the end of the week. and it always seems like you have nothing to say to someone when you begin with the topic of weather. but since i maintain my position that we are all animals and everything we do relates to that. i don't mind conversations of weather. i think its part of our instinct to notice it, to be bothered by it, and then to whine about anything hindering our lives to our compadres. eh?

i'm still chasing after that elusive career. i think i should dig up a book on the GRE's and get ready to go tackle a grad school. my parents think it'd be a good idea to ship me off to the college my bf is at to study finance. even tho its hella cash none of us have and uhm i don't know if that school has any cred for business-type-things. but i guess to appease their interest i will look into it. a masters in a year would be nice. less time. less money. i don't know about next year tho. i guess i could commute from home. anyway that's option number 2. number 1 is still getting a job and accumulating some funds. which is always nice.

parents want to go to lancaster PA and round up some dutch people and chocolate bars. but julie will be in school and this is for their anniversary so they dunno about "taking the kids." i'd be the only kid tho. i guess i could try to be kid-like.

i haven't had a fight with the 'rents since i had that late night talk w/plunk about how i like to fight with the 'rents. but i think staying away for 4 days may have helped that. it usually does. especially when the cell phone is off. but i'm going to try to keep it up. the hardest part is when you're cranky. or you haven't eaten. and thus you're cranky. then you just want to pick fights. or when you just have a tummy ache. i almost for a moment wanted to pick a fight with plunk. for the combination of the hungry and ache reasons. but i dunno he's hard to pick fights with unless its about me saying his politics are bull. which is fun, i think. at least he'll have more practice defending his ideas ;p but i'm probably not a worthy adversary to practice on. haha.

politics schmolotics. {i love how blogger wants to spellcheck my made-up-words}

i think that i ate vegetarian chili yesterday, well i know i did, and i think it has screwed up my insides. it could have been too many beans, but it probably was too much spice. my tummy doesn't like the spices. arr.

oh so i guess for the rest of the world: i got a haircut. haven't done that in .. ages. well gotten someone to cut it for me anywayz. and its short. again. woohoo. i like short hair. but sadly it will grow and i won't be able to cut it myself. so it will just grow forever. i tried to grow my hair out for the locks of love thing. but i don't know if i had 10 inches. and didn't want to go to the fancy salon to get told i didn't have enough to donate and then having to go to the other place to get it cut. so i just went to astor place and got it cut. and there aren't enough wachovia's in the city. too many chases. not enough of my bank. wah. yea but no photos yet. its saturday. 1pm is still morning.

oh an since this blog is mostly for myself. (aren't all blogs?) i'm congratulating myself for losing 5lbs. but i'm going to have to remind myself not to eat tons of cheesecake and cookies (in the fridge for easter) and to keep running. cuz 5lbs comes back real fast. so if i gain it back, at least i can tell myself i told you so.

someone find me a job,
kara

hopefully i can sleep it off

2007-03-13T23:53:00.000-04:00

its the nicest weather in a long time and i'm sick. i think i always get sick when the rest of the world is feeling great. blah. i hate sore throats. this just sucks. hopefully i can sleep it off. i spent most of the day in bed but that doesn't seem to have improved the situation.

when you're sick everything just feels so dirty. but you don't have the energy to go about being OCD about cleaning things. wait. i hardly ever have the energy to do that. but that's besides the point. gross gross gross.

i know this is a riveting post.

till another day.

~ bed ridden in CT

fotolog + chairs + movies = tuesday

2007-03-06T14:55:00.000-05:00

so today is a tuesday. today a staffing agency called me back. needless to say i am still unemployed. possibly going to a career fair friday... even tho i don't know how much it will help. but yea i'm just not scurrying enough to find something.

i updated my fotolog. corrected the blog dates to match the dates the photos were taken. added photos from wv, nyc, and from the hanson concert in new haven i went to last friday. other than that i haven't taken any other photos. or thought of anything to say obviously. that and i still have to make my moms website... and figure out when it expires. that has been -like- a year in the making.

andddd i need a new chair cuz sitting here is no fun. this chair is just hard. and i'm starved. starved for many things-but starved for food at the moment. but thats not unusual. sometimes i just forget i should of had lunch. and i did that today. so my lunch is always late. even tho i managed to wake up at 10am for that phone call, haphazardly brush the morning out of my mouth, and mumble out some responses - i still left out lunch. hmph.

that and CT is in a deep freeze. well not only CT i suppose. this is an odd winter. winter is OK. i like winter. but deep freezes i'm not a big fan of. especially since they involve ice. and ice is something that usually makes me fall down and obtain giant bruises. and those are not fun. so as a result i haven't been outside in a while. i think also that its effecting my desire to leave the house and find work. i will definitely want work before summer because it does get awful warm in here. isn't that a twisted way to rationalize. everything is.

sunday night we watched the departed. i wasn't too fond of it. particularly because of leo, but additionally because of accents i couldn't undestand, make-believe words i don't know the meaning of, and blood splatter. lots of blood splatter. on top of crude humor. does anyone find that funny? i don't know. so last night my sister picked the movie again and we watched blood diamonds... now i don't speak any african languages but at least this had subtitles so i could get what people were saying. which made it better. but the laptop overheated and froze just about when the main characters may or may not have been killed. and we've yet to finish watching it. so i dunno how much i dislike that movie yet.

sunday afternoon we watched marie antionette. the only thing that could have possibly been added to that film to make it worthwhile would be if they had actually beheaded kirsten dunst. the possibility of that occurring was the only reason i sat down to watch it. unfortunately they didn't give me the satisfaction of going that far with the story. so the movie really sucked. i think the whole thing was based on a plot that went something like this "dress up kirsten in these silly dresses, make her eat a lot of food with her fingers, pretend to get drunk a few times, and then act slightly scared for about 5 seconds /end movie"

hmm. i think its lunch time.

~ kara

and... its february!

2007-02-11T11:17:00.000-05:00

sigh. this site is so neglected its the wrong season. hehe.

well my life has been pretty neglected as well. i finally got my design project finished for school. as in i will be getting a grade (an A of course). wooee. and i have my degree so i'm finished with undergrad. which means i need to find a job or take the GRE's and decide what i really want to study. at the moment i'm rather haphazardly looking for a job. i hope there is something around here or near nyc. because if i can't be near home i at least want to be somewhere exciting and near where ben is going to school.

and... this is my first valentines day ever that i've had a boyfriend to share it with. if i feel like going to nyc on wednesday (hehe). i've always had sort of anti-valentines day ("vagina" day) parties with the girls or adam and i platonically pretended to be valentines once or twice. so i don't know what to come up with to do. its a silly holiday. we already know we like each other. i guess maybe its just an excuse to get hopped up on chocolate. and i think we intend on doing that. for sure.

despite the bitter cold its nice and toasty in here. and like all those other animals i've packed on my winter blubbler. so i'm surviving. haha. i think the plan for today is to stay away from chinese buffets and work on running off the one i ate last night. haha. that and my room is an eternal mess to be shoved into small corners so it doesn't look like the past 23 years of my life has amounted to bundles of crap and clothes and whatnot that no one should really own. and i have a massive variety of a music (and movie) collection to organize. and i wish the grade for that course would get on the system so i could have my actual gpa to put on my resume and get these applications out. also that involves going to many many websites till my computer freezes from a headache. and then it gives me one.

but its sunday. sunday isn't supposed to be productive. first things first i suppose. and that involves running, showering and eating. oh, and the everpresent laundry. life always amounts to bundles of ordinary things.

oh finally i found what was eating my space so i couldn't post things! junk mail! who knew. lol. 11mb of junkmail on a 50mb account can do some damage. anywho. any ideas on fun places in nyc be my guest.

<3 kara

and its a monday.

2006-10-17T00:29:00.002-04:00

living life is tiring. but oh so good.

my computer went on a little hiatus from letting me log in. and then my internet went on a little hiatus from working. but i'm back now.

so... since we last talked i had a rough two weeks of midterms. i'm excited those were the last (undergrad) midterms i'll ever take!! of course i have the second exam and finals to go. but those aren't really "midterms." more like "almost-end-of-terms" and "pre-finals."

and now i have to think about my design project. yes. really think. i hope i can remember everything we did and how i should do it better and get it done. i have to outline a gantt chart tomorrow morning and make sure i can actually get into the rooms i need to get into. all i did today was pick up samples i had cut last semester and take an inventory of all the samples we had in the drawers. i supposed i should read brandon's paper too. that might help outline what i need to do. and since no exams till early november... this is the time to work.

oh... talking to myself. probably the only reason i felt the need to blog was that ben isn't online. so there's no one to tell random things to. oh well thats an untruth. there is always someone. but no one i wish to bother at the moment.

i'm finally going home... the first time home since the end of last year!! on thursday night. then i have to get my teeth did, my eyes did, maybe my hair did on friday. haha. in nyc. what a hassle. and i'm going to drag my parents and (maybe) little sis too so its gonna be a rarr-rarr-time i'm sure. but then i'm spending saturday-monday with ben in the city ;p .... and i'm 23 on monday :o ... i'm so old. haha. at least i don't look old yet hehe. and my arms are less flabby. that's always a plus. haha. maybe if i can make myself stay with this gym thing i'll be one of those middle age women who look 15yrs younger than they are. that's hot. haha.

anyways i'm very thirsty and out of ideas for the moment.

so, adios.

- kara

something old, something new...

2006-09-26T21:10:00.000-04:00

...nothing blue.

so i made a new layout. i have some stuff to say if i had an audience i guess. but i have a meeting at 9:15pm... aka soon. so i will say the layout is new but i haven't blogged all my new flickr photos so the ones over there are still from last march.

can't be on top of everything. haha.

i've had better ideas. but i am too busy for them. well i should be too busy.

~ kara

the flightly blogger

2006-04-30T13:01:00.000-04:00

it has been a long time. and most of my posts nowadays start with that recollection.

an update on my life: not much.

it is finals week at UConn. I have two papers to write, a take home exam I have to do whenever my teacher emails it to me, and an actual in class exam at 8am on wednesday. which i might add is an ungoddly hour to be contemplating electrodynamics.

i have a phone interview at a summer camp that is in virginia on tuesday morning. i should like to get that job as it would be fun. i have an in person interview with a company in andover, mass. on the 8th. if i get that job i'm going to be scrambling to find housing by the 15th or sleeping on a friends couch or floor or a hallway somewhere or maybe even a ymca. haha. but i'm up for the adventure.

i hope something exciting happens this summer. anything really. i'll take my small excitements where they come. like today the bugs in my pancake mix were exciting. not really. sad. i wanted pancakes.

anyway. back to writing a paper on migration policy. then one on chemical vapor deposition. the latter one is going to be much easier. i'm just not interested in migration policy. so... maybe i picked the right major? hehe.

- kara

thus is the life of a dieter.

2006-04-05T23:55:00.000-04:00

the scale actually says i lost 4 lbs. i'm in shock and amazement. but i don't believe my scale - even though i payed $20 for it when i could have gotten a $6 one, because i thought it would work better. its got these nutzo directions that say if you move it you need to step on it once and disregard that reading. then step on it again to get the real reading. so i step on it and get a high weight. step on it again and get a lower weight. step on it again and get an even lower weight. step on it a few more times and consistently get the last weight. so i'm assuming it says i've lost 4 lbs from two weeks ago. but it could have just been lying the last time. and i could still be the same weight i was before. or i could just go into space and be totally confused.

thus is the life of a dieter. so the specialk challenge said i would lose 6lbs in 2 weeks. but i didnt feel like eating their cereal 2 times a day. thats too much milk. (but saves a lot of time making foods). i guess its not all lies then. but maybe i've been poisoned now. and i'm addicted to flakey cereals. who knows.

oh and someone find me a job. i've no time to look.

~ kara

it feels like someone's looking at you

2006-03-26T22:55:00.000-05:00

its been a while. there's a million things i should be doing. but this is school and doing things requires a clear head. an ability to think. i got sucked into watching some television shows. the only medical dramas i've ever been able to watch are the new ones... greys anatomy and house. but sunday night is such a convenient time to be doing nothing and watching tv so greys anatomy seems to be the only show i watch regularly. its just sad though. everything makes me tear up. they are getting good at that. making me feel something. or i'm getting more susceptible.

i'm supposed to be writing a paper on immigration. although i should have written it during spring break when i did nothing but putz around the house. but i'm not into it. i don't have any opinion. its kind of like i don't have an opinion because i'm not out making any difference in it. we're discussing racism in the community assistant course i'm taking (its actually called peer counseling, if that makes anything any clearer) and i just feel like anything i say will be useless or "wrong." we sat in our discussion class last week and we were all like "i dont know." we don't want to say anything about a theory on the development of a nonracist white identity. it doesn't make any sense. its written by an african american woman and about becoming completely racist and then turning around and blaming the people around you and then trying to change it and trying to learn from other racial identities. this whole discussion in class with identifying with a white identity i don't agree with. the article goes on about how an american white person when asked their race will say their ethnicity (english, irish, whatnot) when they should say white? why should they say white? i dont think an african american should say black. because then a haitian would have to say black too, right? because its a color. not an ethnicity. i might as well call myself pink. it has nothing to do with heritage. nothing to be proud of. its just a simple observable fact that anyone with the gift of sight can see. i dont want to have a white identity. i want to have a me identity. beyond all that bullcrap. if i don't know who i am why should i just give up and say i'm white. then they are trying to say all white people are racist because we are in the majority and its "not our fault individually" its institutional and social and we need to change the bigger picture. you know what. society and institution is just a bunch of individuals. maybe then it is the majority of the individuals. why don't they just say that. the majority of the most popular skin color still hasn't grown up. so society still sits there in the past. we're slow. things don't change in a day. it takes generations to change. it takes generations to forgive. it takes forever to know what's right.

anyway pretty soon us pale skinned kids won't be in the majority. then all those theories can just go to hell.

on a lighter note. i'm taking a nap.

~ kara

you never know what you'll miss

2006-03-12T01:18:00.000-05:00

so here's to the last day of my hiatus at home. it was also the first day i picked up any work i should have been doing. i read some of the book for my migration course... i dont think the teacher has any plan for us reading it besides for our own entertainment. but that entire course seems to be for our own entertainment. although i have to write a paper sometime soon. but thats school.

there's nothing new in my life so i always get stuck thinking of old things.

today i went for a walk in harrybrook park with my parents. my dad was trying to see if he could walk faster now that he is on heart medication. he thinks its better. thats good i guess. the crazy things they can do with pills now. it never ceases to amaze. playing around with the functions of the human body still scare me though. i guess i get that from my mother. she won't take anything for her high cholesterol. even though there are plenty of things available for it. and i don't like medication but i'll try anything they'll throw at me to fix my lousy skin. (but i will not see that goddamn doctor. he's just mean.) which has been alright lately. just very dry. and any sort of moisturizer is disaster.

everyone was friendly at the park people said hi. a random guy waved at us when we turned around in a development before we went to the park. we were going to look at another used car. my dads favorite pasttime. then some crazy woman in a honda from the 70s or so flipped us off when she was driving behind us on candlewood lake rd. what a crazy bitch. haha. i say she's jealous she's not driving a saab from the 90s. she's just three decades behind and bitter. harhar.

some cute guys were coming into the park as we were leaving. i looked at them and i got the look back but you know i have no way of telling age. i couldn't tell if they were high school kids or like college freshman or sophs. if i can't tell i should stay away. haha. then again i've met some people my age who didn't look it. i should just ask to see some id. hmmm....

as there's no one to instant message i think its time for bed. back to uconn campus tomorrow. yay...

~ kara

i'm addicted to you and these antihistamines

2006-03-07T00:34:00.000-05:00

it would be easier to write a blog if i could see the screen. my glasses are again lost somewhere in this house. its a lot easier to find things when you live in a room which amounts to the size of a large cubicle. apparently our house has the largest square footage on the block, although you would not know this from the curbside. the wonders of information available to the public on the internet. my mom found that today while trying to do taxes.

its feels like a long day but i've only been awake for 9 hours. and in that time i have succeeded in eating twice and watching one episode of 'entourage' and the movie 'the constant gardener.' i did not follow the movie very well. i didn't know who was trying to kill who or how the companies were really working together. sometimes i feel like movies don't even try to make the plots understandable. like the director knows the plot too well so they forget that they are trying to get the audience involved enough to know whats going on.

its spring break but i haven't made any plans to do anything exciting, or anything at all. except some school work, so i won't have so much to do when i go back. i think i will sleep now and slam out a report for my 'migration' course tomorrow. unless my parents can think of something more fun to do.

now that my father is retired its odd to have him home all the time, along with my mother. he made a pumpkin pie today. didn't want to say it flat out, but it wasn't very good. i'm not sure why. it just didn't get firm. and texture of pumpkin pie is very important ;p i'm a pie expert now. pretty much.

goodnight world.

<3 kara

you are the only one that needs to know

2006-03-06T06:06:00.000-05:00

6am. listening to all-american rejects. i dont know why i didn't go to sleep. but i'm watching the sunrise through the half open blinds in my bedroom at home. vacations at home are always distractions from the realities of life. i want to go somewhere. but the only places i could go involve people i'd love to see again but probably shouldn't. appropriate song, actually.

stay home and go on a mental vacation.

is there any difference? learn to be indifferent.

/kara

a new hello

2006-03-06T05:01:00.000-05:00

Hello. I'm Kara... in case you aren't familiar.

i'm reinventing my internet presence. maybe i will be a little less divulging of everything from every crevice of my life. but i hope to not lose any personality in my struggle to be... well slightly more private.

as i love to take random photos i have added a fotolog to my blog.

also of note, this is the first post. this doesn't mean i'm new here. i've just hidden the last three years away. likely to resurface when google no longer knows who i am. but we don't need to be wiping dust off old remains.

*raises glass* here's to the documentation of randomness. new loves and new life for 2006.

<3 kara